Sunday, 30 November 2008

Vile Chinese herbs

The Chinese herbs are ready to be consumed. They look vile and smell like dirty muddy water. DH has been told there is a month’s supply of herbs for him to consume 5 times a day. My poor poor DH. He is so strong and determined and won’t show any sign of fear.
DH opens the hatch and down goes the herbs. I’m so proud of him!

Mr S tells us we have to burn a large Moxa incense stick over DH’s body for 20 minutes every night. This will promote blood flow and treat a deficiency of ‘yang’ energy in the body. We’re told to burn it outside because the smell is very strong. Unfortunately we live in an apartment and don’t have the luxury of a large spacious balcony. So DH lays on the carpet near the open balcony door ready for me to wave the incense over his body. I light up the incense stick and place the lit end about half an inch off DH’s skin. Within 30 seconds we are giggling like school kids. The smell is over powering and smells identical to marijuana. No wonder we’re meant to be burning this outside, the smell is intoxicating!

I know I’m not meant to waiver my belief in TCM, but what if it doesn’t work for us. Cannot believe we might be with IVF. I’ve always been fascinated by IVF (thanks to my addiction of TV medical programs) but I never ever thought I’d be undertaking IVF. Having a baby is meant to be the most natural thing in the world. It’s why God made males and females. To procreate and flourish our world with screaming kids. Why, then are DH and I not given this privilege? Have we been bad in a past life? Have we been bad in this life? I don’t want to think about a life without children. I want to wipe snotty noses, clean up vomit and give my son’s girlfriend the cold shoulder. I want those things too. That is why DH and I will give up all dignity. We’ll become pin cushions for nurses, drink horrid Chinese herbs, burn marijuana like incense in our living room and pull our pants down. Surely having our own family is worth all this.

A fellow TTCer in my online buddy group has recommend the latest craze – SMEP aka Sperm Meets Egg Plan. The plan gives you the best odds of ensuring that the sperm gets to your egg. You begin BD from CD10 and continue to BD every 2nd day until you get a positive OPK. Once you get a positive OPK, BD for 3 days in a row, skip a day and BD one more time (just for good measure). I explain all this to DH and I see his face flinch. Conclusion: DH doesn’t care about the plan. He’s just keen to BD every 2nd day for two weeks! Must implement sexy & romantic evening for O time.
• O time has arrived. My day consists of the following:
6.00am Alarm sounds. Stick seedy mercury thermometer in mouth. Wait 5 minutes.
6.05am Turn bed side lamp on (which wake up grumpy husband) and try to distinguish my temperature reading. 36.12. Yippee! Must be ovulating today! Record temperature in mobile phone ready to transfer this data on charting website later.
2.00pm Alarm sounds. Take plastic cup and ovulation test stick to the toilet. Manage to splash pee on stick, hand and seat.
2.03pm After washing my hands and disinfecting toilet seat, I check test stick for result. It’s positive! Tonight’s the night but do not tell DH in case he feels under pressure.
2.05pm Insert fingers into vagina and check cervical mucous. Looking good! Is clear and stretchy between fingers and resembles egg whites. Smells gross but certainly fertile.
6.00pm have read that males are most fertile between 5pm and 7pm. Decide to seduce DH before making less than satisfactory dinner.
6.05pm slip into sexy underwear and call DH to the bedroom. We try foreplay but DH is hungry.
6.07pm BD! BD! BD!
6.20pm DH leaves the room to watch to watch Fox Sports News. I swing my legs into the air and begin to cycle. I’ve heard that cycling your legs in the air helps the swimmers down to egg.
6.40pm DH screams at me from the lounge room about his hunger pains.

The following afternoon and it’s time to BD again. DH and I are still keen but not quite so enthusiastic.
Day three arrives and all motivation is gone. No more foreplay. No more kissing. Just BD for the sake of conception. Very unromantic. I bet somewhere in the world, right at this moment, a women is having crazy, passionate sex with random stranger from nightclub and manages to conceive.

This time next week is testing day. My FF chart is looking good, but it always looks good at this time of every month. My temp is up today so I’m having a good day. It’s hard to believe that for 28 years of my life I had no idea that my body temperature fluctuated at all and now it indicates whether I’m having a good day (high temp) or bad day (low temp).

I’m currently CD28 and due to test in two days. My temp has hit it’s highest peak ever, 37.11!! Woo Hoo! I must be pregnant. It has never reached that kinda of height before. I cannot wipe the smile from my face all day. On the way home from work, I spot a car with the license plate number BFP-157. Could this be a sign from God? A sign from my angels? I take a walk down to the beach and watch the colours change over the water and sky. As I sit on the rocks, I plan my life for the next 9 months. Feeling very blissful as I rub my belly.
A smile begins to spread across my face. Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel. Later that night, I watch my DH drink his horrid chinese herbs and my heart begins to break. The chances of ever conceiving without IVF are so slim.

Blissfulness has disappeared and devastation arrives. Just found out our very close friends, The J family are expecting baby number two. DH and I sit in silence for a moment, trying to overcome the kick in guts and get our breath back. Then we jump up and congratulate them! Very happy news! Their first baby, our beloved God Daughter was conceived on their first attempt and now we find out their second baby is also conceived on their first attempt. They tell us they planned to begin TTC for this exact month. I can’t even plan a pregnancy between now and menopause. Am feeling very shocked by the baby news. I can’t believe my GF beat me in the baby race. I guess she beat me by a nose……. And ears, and eyes and little legs! It must feel amazing to be super fertile. Am green with envy! Am also extremely happy for them. I don’t ever want my friends to experience this horrid TTC rollercoaster.

Whilst online today I came across a forum about IVF clinics in Sydney. Many women are leaving one clinic because of old fashioned technology. The latest IVF clinic to open in Sydney is trialling world renowned techniques and getting better results. So I’ve decided DH and I will also visit this new clinic when the time comes. I call and made an appt with Dr L for February. The pressure of TTC is starting to get to me again. We need medical intervention. Actually we need a divine intervention! I don’t think DH can take the herbs much longer. The weight needs to be shifted to someone else now. I tell DH about our appt and he is happy. Must feel like a weight has been lifted from his testicles.

Thursday, 30 October 2008

Prenatal depression & weddings

Such a busy month ahead. DH and I have two sets of very close friends getting married this month. With marriage also comes hens’ days and bucks days. This also coincides with silly season. My favourite time of the year!

I must have visited the loo a dozen times yesterday expecting to see AF but ….. zip, zilch, nada, nothing. I’ve looked everywhere for her! My vagina, my knickers and still She is hiding from me. Where could she be? This got me thinking. I was curious to know what my body was doing. Was AF torturing me with her mind games or could I possibly be pregnant? I know the chances are slim but I must remain positive. I make the decision to buy a HPT on the way home from work.

I walk into the chemist and purchase a HPT. Before I get to the counter, I also have chocolate, tampons, Revlon make-up (on sale!), overnight pads and naprogesic in my basket. The woman behind the counter gives me s strange look but I can’t work out why. Maybe I have something in my teeth? After buying the HPT, I raced home and skulled a glass of water. My last toilet visit was 4.30pm (in the office) and I tested at 6.30pm (at home). I was slightly nervous and watched the stick like a hawk. My eyes never left the bloody stick. Unfortunately after 3 minutes, nothing had appeared. No pink line at all. So I’m back to square one again. Where the hell is AF and what is keeping her from visiting me? I felt lost. I felt alone. I felt sad. So I jumped into the shower because that always makes me feel better. Then the flood gates were opened… my tears began to fall and disappeared under the shower stream. I cried for the BFN. I cried for the fear I was feeling. I cried for how awful DH must be feeling. I cried …. Because I needed to cry. DH then came home and discovered me in the shower crying. He asked me what was wrong and my reply was ‘I’m OK. I just needed a good cry’. After drying myself off and jumping into some comfy clothes, we cooked dinner together. I tried so hard to be light hearted and full of spirit…. But something had turned off inside of me. I was overly sensitive and hated it. Yet I couldn’t control it. DH made a silly comment about a facial expression I was pulling and I started crying all over again. I retreated to the bedroom with DH following me. Why do men always say the stupidest things? DH said ‘Cheer up. Tomorrow’s a new day’. I know this should be comforting…… but I need him to say ‘Babe, this sucks’. I needed sympathy, not cheering up.

After my meltdown yesterday I am feeling better today. Still no AF and my waking temp this morning was 36.72 (yesterday was 36.56). This to me means AF is still another day or two away. I know I’m not UTD because a BFN told me so! Yet, my stupid TTC brain tells me ‘Maybe you are UTD’. During my lunch break, I quickly log on to the internet and google articles where late BFP’s are mentioned. So many pages to read!! Jackpot! There are heaps of women who didn’t give get a BFP until 7 or 8 weeks. Ha! I’m only 5 weeks.

Today is TCM appt day. DH and I are both excited because it feels like the next step towards our goal – creating our own people. DH collects me from work and he cross the Harbour Bridge and beyond to see our TCM guru, Mr S. I’m so happy DH is willing to try herbs and acupuncture. This approach just feels right because we both want to conceive our baby the old fashioned way. Mr S seems to think he can definitely help us. He wanted DH to have another SA test first because he feels the sperm count is too low and he also wanted me to have an ultrasound. I guess to check my tubes are blocked. Mr S checked my blood flow and pulse (?) and sent us away without charging us a cent. Yippee! He wants us to come back when we get the test results.

The following Tuesday I visit my GP, Dr J for the SA and ultrasound referrals. I also mention to her that AF is way overdue. A quick urine test and the result is negative – no surprise there! So Dr J gives me referrals for SA test and ultrasound and told me she supported the TCM method. This is music to my eyes. I think I’m falling in love with Dr J.

Two days later, I’m at home preparing dinner and suddenly feel a wetness between my legs. AF has found me after 39 days. I search for Mr Blanc, sit on the couch and have a little cry. A few moments later and I’m OK. I tell myself again and again, I’m another cycle closer to my baby.

So Nath abstained for two weeks before the next SA test thinking it would build up his reserves. He took his sample to the pathology place on 17OCT and the test results came back even worse. This time there was no sperm to be found.

A few days later and it’s my turn. I consume an unnatural amount of fluid, walk into the clinic, drop my dacks and spread my legs for the technician. Kinda feel like I’m in my early twenties again! The ultrasound room is amazing. Feel like I’m in futuristic hospital. There is a huge plasma for me to watch my ovaries, eggs, tubes and cervix. The technician scans over my ovaries and tells me I’m about to ovulate from my right ovary. I can see the egg ready to pop out. Is amazing to see insides on big plasma. After the scan, she sends me to the loo to relieve myself…. And what a relief it is. I walk back into the room and she asks me to sit back on the chair, it’s time for the internal scan. What the ? No one mentioned an internal to me. But I bite the bullet and say ‘Ok’. I nearly laughed when the technician rolled a condom onto the ultrasound probe and covered it in lubricant. This is wrong, wrong, wrong. An uncomfortable ten minutes later and I’m leaving the clinic with the knowledge that everything inside looks healthy and normal. My baby oven is ready. *sigh*

We’re not sure what to do from here. It’s almost like hitting a fork in the road. Do we take the TCM option and try herbs to improve DH’s swimmers? Or do we make our appt with IVF clinic and bite the western bullet? This certainly isn’t the time to be discussing our options. We have two weddings on this week; Friday and Saturday. DH is very distracted as he is apart of them both. We’ll have to wait til next week to discuss and decide what to do.

That’s it. I’m over the obsession of TTC. I need to reconnect with the human race again. I try so hard to stay clear of TTC websites but it’s a weakness. I need my daily fix of TTC data. However I totally stop checking temps, stop peeing on sticks and begin to drink copious amounts of wine. I reconnect with an old friend named Mr Blanc. After all, it is silly season. I am beginning to think I might be one of those women who stop thinking about getting pregnant and then do! So at every opportunity I get, I accept social invites that involve Mr Blanc, dancing and well… acting wild. Somehow, through the haze of my daily hangover’s I forget to have sex with DH. DH also forgets to have sex with me.

My brother’s GF emailed me today to say her sister had a baby boy over the weekend. Unfortunately she is also suffering from a mild case of postnatal depression. Poor thing. Hmmmm, is there such a thing as prenatal depression? If yes, I could be sufferer! I begin to google prenatal depression. DAMN! Is depression for pregnant women only. Symptoms include anxiety, irritability and sadness. What the? What do pregnant women have to anxious, irritable or sad about? They are with child!! I display each of these symptoms every 5 minutes. Surely prenatal depression needs to be investigated further a field! I am prime candidate for such experiment.

DH called Mr S at TCM clinic and mentioned we have our test results back. We see Mr S the next day and he goes over our results. He’s not happy with the latest SA test and said the testing was not thorough enough. He’s pleased with my results and says I’m fine and will not be requiring any TCM treatment. We must focus our attention on DH now. We hand over $450 for chinese herbs and are told to come back in two days to collect the medicine as it must be brewed specifically for DH. We’ve just made a 3 month commitment to TCM. It takes sperm three months to mature, so our efforts next month should have promising results in three months time! We are most excited!

The emotional rollercoaster continues today. I don’t want to attend any more family get togethers until I have baby in my arms. But another family birthday lunch is looming. I know both our families look at us and hope for the announcement of an expecting baby. Feel guilty for not having any news to deliver. Poor DH must feel 1000 times worse about it. I think our parents are beginning to lose hope of ever having grandchildren. If we are not pregnant by Christmas, I think we may have to skip town. I don’t think my emotions will allow for another get together with no happy news to bear.

Tuesday, 30 September 2008

Sperminator day

What a low week I’ve had. No idea why but I’m guessing a mixture of hormones, lack of energy and no red wine in the house. However my positive attitude is slowly returning to normal. It’s Spring after all!! And with Spring comes new beginnings. And with new beginnings comes good times, right?

DH is booked into Sydney IVF this Friday for his test. I’ve heard from other women on TTC website that the private rooms are great at this clinic. I truly hope DH’s test is fine and normal. I would hate to jump more hurdles at the moment.

The day has arrived. It’s Sperminator day. DH is playing it cool and not showing any signs of nerves, however I know him too well. So I play it cool too. We walk into the clinic and present ourselves as Mr and Mrs O. The receptionist is so nice and very welcoming and immediately my nerves disappear. However I’m not the one here for a sperm test. DH is finally told to head down the hallway to door number three. I wish him good luck and give him a wink. DH later tells me the Sperminator room is every man’s dream…… in a weird clinical way. There’s a comfortable leather recliner in the corner, a bench full of porn magazines to flick through, a full DVD range to cater to everyone’s fantasy and the pièce de résistance, a bar fridge full of beer! I can hear DH’s angels singing hallelujah up above. DH emerges with smile on his face. Ah, must mean the mission was successful.

It’s Monday afternoon and the SA test results are back …… DH has a low sperm count. Dr J is now referring us to IVF clinic. I can’t quite believe it! I almost cried when she told me the news but choked back the tears as I was on the bus heading home. How was I meant to tell DH this news? I was so incredibly nervous telling DH when he got home. He took the news OK but later that night when we were in bed, he turned to me and said “What did you do wrong to deserve me”…… my poor little heart was breaking for him. But we’re strong! This situation, this issue will only bring us closer together and make the end result even sweeter.

The following day DH and I receive an email from some close friends to say they are expecting their first baby. I want to feel so happy for them but can’t help feeling sad as well. Life can be so unfair. Why must we have a pregnancy rubbed in our face after finding out yesterday’s devastating results?

Moving on and I begin to research what these test results truly mean. I feel like DH and I are the only people on earth who can’t have babies but my brain tells me this can’t possibly be true. My internet research shows that about 15% of Australian couples of reproductive age have a fertility problem. In about 40% of infertile couples the problem is a male factor, in about 40% it is a female problem and for the remaining 20%, it is a joint problem or the cause is unknown.

Making a list of good things about NOT being pregnant.
• Can colour my hair without a further thought
• No stretch marks
• No need to wear trackie daks to the supermarket
• Am very good at controlling bodily functions
• No one looks at me and thinks I’ve had sex recently
• No need to buy incontinence pads
• Vagina still looks trim, taut and terrific
• Am richer
• Will never require elasticised pants
• Can wear pretty stiletto’s and take full advantage of social invitations (without needing Red Bull to keep me awake)
• No need to discuss my vagina, stitches, breasts to people I hardly know
Do I really want a baby? Think I may have just talked myself out of it!

Testing Day is looming yet again. Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Temperature is still high and all my IPS are accumulating. According to DH’s test result, we probably won’t ever conceive naturally but I convince myself it only takes one healthy sperm and one healthy egg to make a baby.

The J family came over today with M. Our sweet angel God Daughter. After they leave our place, I think “yep, we are so ready to make our own people”.

I logged onto TTC forum and a girl from my buddy group got a BFP. So I did a HPT on Saturday afternoon expecting to get the same result. I was only 12DPO. Boo Woo... I just stared at an empty white space on the stick.

I was expecting AF to arrive yesterday but she is still a no show. I truly (beg, pray, plead) hope she is lost this time. I’ve got the occasionally cramps which indicates AF is coming but I’ve also just read that this is an EPS?!? Maybe I should take a walk to the chemist? Nah, I better save our money for IVF.

DH and I were talking about the upcoming FS appt at IVF clinic in early October. We both agree that we’re not ready to explore the IVF route just yet. So I’ve conducted some research on the internet about Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) and acupuncture improving LSC….. sounds interesting and very promising. So I discussed it with DH and we’re going to give it a go. This would be a more natural method to explore than the invasive (and expensive) option of IVF.

So I cancelled out appt with IVF clinic and booked into see a TCM specialist in fertility. Fingers crossed this method will improve DH’s swimmers.

Monday, 25 August 2008

Fighting antibodies

Our neighbours upstairs had a baby boy last week. He is adorable. Actually the whole family are adorable. I envy them yet I cannot bring myself to say congratulations. I’m too scared my mouth will say something else so I keep it shut and pretend not to see mother and new born son stepping into the foyer of our complex. Surely we have nothing in common anyway. I suddenly have the overwhelming urge to drink copious amount of wine and cry with Celine Dion.

DH text me yesterday and said he was skipping TAFE that night. He asked me if I'd want to go for a walk down to the beach and then grab a DVD. Of course I did!!!!! So I ran home and we were happy and cheerful as we left for our walk. About 5mins into our walk I mentioned I’d received a letter last week from my doctor reminding me it was Pap Smear time. THEN i made the mistake of telling him I remember two years ago getting my last pap smear and thinking, I'd be pregnant or have a baby by the time my next pap smear was due. DH became angry and upset and said I was really starting to obsess about this 'whole baby' thing. So, here were are, down the beach, yelling at one another in the dark about how trying to conceive our baby was becoming an obsession. I said it wouldn't be an obsession if I was already pregnant. I screamed at him to be supportive and not judgemental!! He then cuddled me and said he was sorry. He would try and be more supportive and just shut his mouth next time.

The following day I trot off to work trying to be positive and stress free. At 11.30am, I leave the office and head to my GP’s office next door. I hate Pap Smears. I hate everything about them. But I figure the sooner I do it, the better. It would also give me a chance to discuss 'making babies' with the Dr J. She did the regular yearly check; blood pressure, breast examination, pap smear, medical history check. I found myself telling her about the past 6 months of unsuccessful baby making and she re-assured me it takes a healthy couple 6-12 months to fall pregnant. However she was very optimistic and hopeful saying my medical history was great and I was very healthy. Her exact words were "Why don't we get a few tests done now and make sure everything is functioning perfectly. Why waste another 6 months of trying only to discover there maybe something wrong". I was very close to jumping up and hugging her to death.

Dr J hands me a referral for a CD22 test. The test will check my progesterone levels and make sure my ovulation is healthy and normal. I'm also being tested for Rubella. Just before I left her surgery, she pulls out another form for Sydney IVF. Dr J hopes my DH doesn’t need the sperm analysis referral for Sydney IVF but it can’t hurt to get DH checked out as well. I leave her surgery feeling re-energised about our TTC adventure.

My CD22 blood test was yesterday (Saturday). I’m currently 4 day past ovulation (DPO). The nurse was great and I was in and out of the pathology place in 10 minutes.

By Wednesday (9DPO) I still hadn’t heard back from Dr J about the results so I called her to make sure everything was OK. My progesterone levels were normal (meaning I’m ovulating) and my Rubella levels were normal (meaning I’m still immune to it). And my blood type is A negative…. The doctor hesitated when she said this. So I asked if that’s ok. Her response was it’s rare to have A negative blood, only 7% of the Aussie population has this blood type and it can cause difficulties with my pregnancy if my baby (what baby!!) has a positive blood type.
Basically my body will automatically create antibodies to fight against the positive blood in my system. The antibodies are enough to kill my unborn baby!!!! What the? Not the news I wanted to hear. I really was quite naively expecting to hear that everything was hunky dory!
Anyway, I’m now madly researching this blood type and becoming an expert on it.

On another note, our August cycle was also a failure. AF showed up on Sunday. We had DH’s family over for dinner to celebrate my brother in law’s birthday and as soon as the family left our apartment, I turned to DH and told me AF had arrived.

He turned to me and said “What are you so upset about”.

I think you could actually hear my heart shatter into a thousands pieces. Of course, not only am I devastated this cycle didn’t work, I’m devastated that AF showed up and NOW I have to deal with the devastation of my husbands poor choice of words.

Men! Can’t live with them. Can’t procreate with them.

Friday, 11 July 2008

Imaginary Pregnancy Signs

Cannot believe I am taking my temperature each morning. I am so over it!! Is my body really that foreign to me that I don’t know when I ovulate? It must be. I feel like my body and I are individuals, maybe even strangers. My head is starting to spin thinking about all the new things I’m trying this month on top of the old things; taking temperature daily, keeping excel spreadsheets of daily temperatures, checking my cervical mucous for stretchiness, using sperm friendly lubricant, taking liquid vitamins full of fish oil and folate, visualisation techniques and moonstone crystals in my bra. The list goes on and on. However I’d much rather stick a thermometer in my mouth and take vitamins than insert a needle into my arm daily or have horrid medical instruments in my vagina!

The dreaded 2WW begins. I started recording my EPS (early pregnancy signs), although I quickly rename this to IPS (imaginary pregnancy signs) after visiting TTC forum again. Women in there are nuts, as am I!
5DPO; pains in lower pubic region.
6DPO; frequent urination but my intake of fluid remains the same.
11DPO; notice a ‘dark’ change in nipple area.
13DPO; Craving ice-cream. Must be pregnant!
14DPO; Buy a HPT on the way home from work but too scared to do it. Hate seeing the blank white space where a 2nd line should appear. I talk myself into waiting til the following morning should my temperature still remain high. That way more of the pregnancy hormone is built up in my system.
15DPO; Wake up at 4am with cramps. Visit the loo and say “Hi” to AF once again. Is it too early for comforting Sauvignon Blanc?

Wednesday, 25 June 2008

What to expect when you're addicted

It’s finally become an obsession. I’ll admit it. I’m addicted to TTC and it’s beginning to drive me crazy. DH is very close to calling the men in white coats to come and lock me away. I can’t think about anything else but OPK’s (ovulation prediction kit), checking my temperature, buying more HPT’s (Home pregnancy tests) and cutting back on caffeine.
I ovulated on Monday but didn’t say a word to DH this time. What was I meant to say?
“Care for a BD (baby dance) darling? Aunt Flo has finally left and my basal body temperature is currently sitting at a comfortable 36.21 degrees. I checked my mucous and it’s egg-white and stretchy. What ya say handsome?”
Thankfully, I caught myself just in time before the words spilled from my lips.

My book has arrived!! Started reading my ‘What to expect when you’re expecting’ book today, I found out that 25% of couples fall pregnant in the first month of TTC. Hmmm, DH and I have been trying for 3 months so must read next column. 60% of couples fall pregnant within 6 months of TTC. Yippee!! Surely DH and I will be UTD soon. Loving this statistic. Next column reads that 15% of couples have fertility issues and will surpass the 12 month mark. P’ah! DH and I are healthy and happy. Surely no fertility issues here!

Someone on TTC forum mentions a cheap website for OPK’s, HPT’s and PreSeed. Yippee! I can know feed my bad habit and POAS daily if I need too. I order 50 OPKs, 10 HPT’s and a box of PreSeed. The parcel arrives just in time. I’m CD29 and due to test tomorrow. The following morning, I wake up at 5am, race to the toilet and POAS! I watch the stick like a hawk watching it’s prey. Control line is very visible….. now waiting for the second line to appear. Two minutes passes. Four minutes passes…. It’s now five minutes and no second line appears. My eyes want to well up with tears, but my brain isn’t sending the signal. It’s still asleep. I go back to bed and try to sleep. Then I remember a woman on TTC forum who thought her test was negative and ten minutes later two lines appeared. So I retrieve the test from the bin and keep an eye on it for the next hour. It is now time to shower and get ready for work, and no second line appears. This time my brain is awake and I cry over another negative HPT.

Friday, 30 May 2008

The month of May

AF arrived a few days ago! So it’s a new month and time for a new TTC method. This cycle I’ll be taking my temperature daily, recording my temperature on a chart and checking my cervical mucous. I’ve discovered that by taking your temperature each day you’ll begin to see a pattern forming on your chart. Your body temperature drops before increasing around ovulation time. Also, your cervical mucous is a great indictor of your fertile time.

My boss is sending me to New Zealand. A local tourism board in Nelson and the Marlborough region are going to escort me (and two other tourism industry colleagues) around for a week. Kind show off their fabulous tourism regions so that our companies send them most tourist! Food, wine and fresh NZ air sounds great to me. I leave in a week.

I’m not talking to DH. Actually, I’m thinking of filing for a divorce. DH is a DH(!). He had his end of cricket season presentation last night and I knew he’d have a few drinks. But I wasn’t expecting a near raving lunatic when I picked him up at 10.30pm. Two of his team members had to help him to the car. How can one man get so drunk in four hours? I finally get DH home and he’s acting strange. His eyes are rolling in the back of his head, he’s talking gibberish and he can’t sit still. Oh no!! I’ve seen this look before. No! No! No! Someone has given him drugs!! I stay up with DH most of the night knowing that I should be in bed resting because my flight to NZ is at 11am. Finally at about 4.30am, he falls into a fitful sleep and I struggle to count sleep. But my rage won’t let my head rest. There are so many thoughts running through my mind. Did DH willingly take drugs? Or did someone slip him something? Why would DH do this too me knowing I’m about to leave for a week? How am I going to get to the airport in the morning now? Silence and divorce sound like a nice option at the moment.

The next morning I shower, change, call a cab, grab my bags and leave the apartment without saying goodbye to DH. New Zealand is the perfect escape for the next seven days. I can’t wait to sample the fine Sauvignon blanc and forget Sydney.

I awake up in a cosy B&B in Nelson. It’s below 10 degrees outside and I’m snug as a bug in bed. The next few days pass in a blur. Mostly hotel inspections, food, wine, art exhibit, wine, food and more wine. Then we jump in a helicopter and head up to the Marlborough Sound for an overnight stay, some bushwalking and a cruise back to the mainland. Having fabulous time and cannot believe I’m getting paid to experience this. I’ve totally forgotten about Sydney… Oh and DH!

It’s Friday morning and I’m exhausted and slightly hung-over. Drank one too many wines in Blenheim yesterday. But must get up and face reality as it’s time to head back to Sydney… and DH. As I arrive in Sydney, I switch my phone on and have a message from DH saying he’ll collect me outside Customs. I grab my bags, pass through Customs and head outside to meet DH. However there is no DH. I get another message saying he’s stuck in traffic. Argh!! I’m tired, grumpy and hungry. Wish I could just jump in a taxi and head home. Why o Why did DH have to pick me up? Probably trying to score browning points so I don’t divorce him.
Forty five minutes later and DH appears. The mood in the car is tense. Almost palpable.
I walk though the front door and smell smoke! What the? DH runs past me to the kitchen and rips open the oven door. Out comes a charcoal leg of lamb and deflated vegetables. DH begins to cry and tells me he was trying to fix a lovely dinner for me to come home too. I yell at him for leaving the apartment, leaving the oven on and leaving his common sense at the pub last Sunday!

Fast forward to the end of May and we’re about to move into our very own apartment. An apartment that we now own. Well, the bank owns. But in 10,950 days from now, it’ll be ours.
I can’t wait to turn the spare room into a nursery for our baby.

It’s moving day! I jump out bed and pee on a stick (POAS). It’s testing day. Testing of my patience and testing to see if I’m up the duff. Damn, it’s negative. No time to cry. Must let the removalists in the front door.

The move goes well and everything is moved into place by midday with the help of friends and family. Having a overwhelming sense of achievement. We did it! We are now broke and skint for many years to come!

A few days later, we head back to the rental apartment to clean it out. So many happy moments were made in this apartment. Memories to treasure for years to come. I catch a sob in my throat and begin to scrub the toilet bowl harder. Why is it that you always need to go the toilet after you clean it? I take the rubber gloves off and sit on the toilet. There She is starring at me. The wicked witch has paid me another unwelcome visit. This time I cry for it’s ironic that I’m closing a door to a past life and opening the door to another cycle.

Tuesday, 29 April 2008

Three blessings in a day?

It’s mid April and I begin to research conception on the internet. It’s fascinating! It’s a bit of a miracle really. How our cells can produce another human being. I find a very useful website and notice it has a forum for just about every parenting topic imaginable. From ‘thinking about trying to conceive’ to ‘toilet training’ to a ‘venting board’. I immediately register on-line and become a member. The site is informative. So informative that I discover there is a 24-48 hours fertile window each cycle that you can conceive! What the? I thought you could get pregnant 21 days out of any cycle! Isn’t that what my sex-ed teacher taught me in school?

Am very disappointed now. DH and I have been exhausting ourselves with humping one another nearly everyday, when technically we should be humping around my ovulation date. How the hell do I know when I ovulate? More research is needed! Back to the forum for more answers.

The next day I’m too distracted to think about my ovulation date. So it’s back to apartment hunting. I’m not having much luck at these open inspections. Am finding faults with each unit I look at. So DH has decided to take the morning off work and come along with me! Yippee!
So we drive up to the Northern Beaches and wait for the first open inspection. We park our car outside the complex and notice how close we are to the beach. Only a 500 metres walk. So far, so good. The realtor arrives and shows us (and 20 other couples) around. The place is fabulous. It’s a bit on the small side but it’s full of potential. The balcony is north facing and is bathed in sunlight. DH and I smile at one another. We’ve found it our apartment! The realtor walks over to us and casually mentions that the unit is already under contract. What the? Why show us through an apartment that is already under contract? DH and I are fuming and walk out in a rage.

We look at a few other apartments but nothing compares to the first apartment we saw that moment. Oh well, it’s not meant to be.

It’s Monday morning. Today is DH’s thirtieth birthday and my period is due. DH gets ready for work and gives me a quick peck on the cheek before leaving. I mumble a happy birthday message and go back to sleep.

The realtor representing our dream apartment just phoned. The apartment is back on the market!! Apparently the cooling off period ended with no contracts being exchanged. The realtor asks if we’d like to make the vendor an offer as we seemed keen on the apartment on Saturday. I call DH excitedly and explain the situation. He literally screams at me down the phone to make them an offer. A few phone calls later and the apartment is ours. The vendors have accepted our offer!

After work, I stop in at the chemist and buy a pregnancy test as my period didn’t arrive today as expected. What a story to tell in years to come. The day your father and I purchased our first home, we also discovered we were expecting you!!!
I race home and cover DH with birthday kisses and race to the toilet. I’m hoping to give DH the best gift of all – a positive pregnancy test! I’m so excited I pee all over the place like a puppy. I’m too nervous to read the test results so I make DH go into the bathroom.
I scream at him through the door “Is it one line OR two lines?”.
His reply “What does it mean if it’s two lines?”.
“That means we’re having a baby!!!!”.
“Oh. Sorry babe. It’s only one line.”
Oh well, I guess you can’t celebrate a birthday, buy an apartment and start a family all in the one day.

Thursday, 6 March 2008

Better luck next month

It’s three days since I stopped taking the pill and AF just arrived. Quite exciting really. The thought of having a baby is a very new thought for my brain to ponder over. I mean, as a kid and pimply teenager I always wanted my own family but now it’s real. Now’s it’s happening. DH and I are trying to conceive a baby!

Our rent has been increased again! The lower north shore must be having a rental boom. DH and I decide that it’s time to begin that treaded search. It’s time to buy our own place now that we’re procreating. The lower north shore is lovely but DH wants to spread the search as far as the Northern Beaches. Besides the odd visit to Manly, I’ve never visited the Northern Beaches! We take a drive up to the peninsula and I instantly fall in love. It’s perfect. There are wonderful beaches, tall palm trees, cute coffee shops and wonderful playgrounds for children. I’m so excited but moving further away from my family is awful. But this is a lifestyle choice that’s best for our future family. I resign myself to the fact that visiting my family will now be that much more important, because it’ll be quality time together.

DH and I are having sex all the time. I’m so exhausted I nearly miss the first open inspection.

It’s now the end of March and my period just arrived. Oh well. Unlucky. Better luck next month!

Wednesday, 20 February 2008

TTC Journey begins

Ah, this time last year, DH and I were getting married! Vowing to love each other unconditionally forever til death do us part.

I clearly remember arriving in Fiji to begin our honeymoon. As I unpack the toiletry bag, I pull out my blister pack of contraceptive pills. Hmmmm, do I really need to take these anymore? DH and I discuss when we’d like to have children. I say now! But DH is still studying part-time and working full-time and would like to wait til he finishes his studies. Sounds sensible! Over a cocktail or three we agree to enjoy a year of marriage first!

To celebrate our 1st wedding anniversary we take some time off work and plan a fabulous road trip around NSW. We visit Tamworth and take in the music festival, then we head to Byron Bay for some much needed RnR. Lying on the beach with two thousand other holiday makers we discuss babies again. It’s been a year and maybe it’s time to start a family. DH and I are smitten with our god daughter and the thought of having our own family makes us giggle like school girls.

We continue our road trip adventure and stop at Yamba (for the prawns), Coffs Harbour (for a banana split) and South West Rocks (for wine and sleep). The following day, we’re home in Sydney and I stop taking the pill immediately. Operation Baby Osborne is about to begin!