A day after we attended the donor information evening we made an appointment to see a counsellor at our clinic and finally discuss the past three years – highs ….. lows ….. and the mediums. Our first session was all about venting. We vented about the lack of support and exhaustions, the fights and arguments, the expectations and failures.
Whilst I felt like I did most of the talking, I could slowly sense that DH was opening up. He was nervous and embarrassed but I knew this would help him move forward. I can’t begin to tell you how therapeutic it was to talk openly and honestly with a stranger. Someone we’d never met before. But we bounced out of that session and chatted the 45 minutes drive home about everything. How we were feeling? How we move forward? What evenings to schedule our ‘homework’ or discussions for?
Three weeks later and our next session was just as good. This time the counsellor got us talking about moving forward and what our options were. Mostly we talked about donors and we touched briefly on adoption. The donor discussion was slightly heated but this is only because it’s not something we want to face. NO ONE wants to use donor sperm. I certainly don’t! I want to comfort, sooth and care for the children of my husband; the children, who would inherit his mongy toes, dry skin, wicked humour and addiction to sport.
But our dream won’t come true. That dream is dead and we must begin to dream and create an alternate. We discuss the possibility of using an anonymous donor versus a known donor. Neither of us was willing to agree or disagree to either option. We’re fence sitters. Both have their risks and this was what our counsellor wanted us to discuss. Our homework was to weigh up the risks and form a decision.
Again, we got back to our car and started making a list of potential donors; Friends and family members.
The following evening, we were walking our dog sonny along the beach talking about asking these potential donors and then decided it was all too embarrassing. How do you ask someone you love and care about to donate their DNA?
At this point anonymous sperm donation seemed a less embarrassing option.
After a few weeks of see-sawing back and forth, the decision was made for us. A close friend offered to donate. We were both blown away by his generosity, kindness and love. We discussed it at great length and finally came to the decision that this wasn’t going to work out.
Our friend wanted to remain anonymous and he didn’t want anyone to know he was the donor and unfortunately this didn’t sit right with us. DH and I are not ashamed about our journey. Actually most of our friends know what we are going through and everyone in our family knows. We want to be open and honest about our child’s conception.
So, where to from here?
Now we realise we don’t want an anonymous donor. We want someone who will be our child’s life. Someone we know. Someone we love.