Tuesday, 10 May 2011

One small step for man

DH and I attended a Donor Information Evening at our clinic last night. This may seem like one small step forward for us, but it’s a huge leap into unknown territory. The nerves kicked in and my anxiety increased tenfold. I’m sure the people in the lift could hear my heart pounding and my head screaming the F-word.

This was it! This was the moment we admitted our defeat ... and our failure. We had to consider Donor sperm as a new option.

We walked into the room and I was shocked to see about 50 people seated. WTF? I was expecting two or three couples, not a room full of desperate wannabe tribe creators like us.

The Counsellor ran through the IVF procedure and why couples (and singletons) might require a Donor. Blah Blah Blah. I knew this stuff already. Get to the good stuff.

A recipient couple and their Donor stood up and shared their journey with us. The wannabe tribe creators sat forward, pen and pad in hand, ready to scribble notes and devour their information. I was transfixed by their journey – different to us – but still sad, touching and gut wrenching. The couple’s 18yr niece came forward and volunteered to provide the couple with an egg. Three months later baby Grace was conceived.

After they shared their story, we shot them with question after question. It didn’t matter how personal OR how crucifying the question, this was our one moment to seek the answers we needed to make our decision.

“Has your relationship suffered?”
“Does the Donor feel a motherly connection to the baby?”
“Do you feel a bond to the baby even though she is genetically not yours?”
“Does your immediate family and close friends know the truth? “
“How do you feel knowing the baby is your husband and nieces baby?”
“How long did it take you to move past the anxiety?”
“How long did it take for you to accept baby Grace as yours?”

The bond between the three of them was special. Touching. DH and I talked to the recipient mother after the seminar and asked a few more questions. Next we approached the Counsellor and asked a few questions.

Leaving the clinic last night, I believe we had a clearer picture of what was to come, what we could expect …. And maybe what we need to prepare ourselves for. It’s another grueling journey to consider but one we must look at in our own time.

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Let the grieving begin

Sorrow. Mourn. Distress. Ache. Suffer. All words you’d associate with Death. And that’s exactly what happened. I’m grieving the death and loss of carrying my husband’s child. DH is grieving the lost opportunity to produce a child with his sporting abilities, kind heart and wicked sense of humour. And together we are grieving the death of our dream to create our own tribe.

It floors me every time I think about the phone call. Never in a million years did we think our FS would deliver the news. That news.

I can’t begin to describe what it feels like to hear that news. Even worse to deliver that news to close family and friends. The minute those sickening words leave my lips, I crumble and cry. Thankfully only a handful of people know the real truth so my crying has been limited to three occasions so far. But the crying is short-lived because I’m not ready to do the ‘ugly’ cry just yet.

Denial, I hear you say? Maybe. I want to cry and get it over with. Crying is usually the first step in moving forward, but not even my BF can make me commit to the ugly cry. BF tries to break me down but to no avail. I shut it down very quickly. I’m just not ready yet.

Soon after receiving the news, I hit the EB forums. Not really posting anything but contacting a few dear friends who have been through a similar experience. It’s sometimes easier to talk to strangers, than the people who love you the most. Which is surprising because I’ve always been close to my friends. But during these dark dark weeks, the only people I want to talk to are those you’ve been through a similar experience.

And DH? He continues to sit in his man cave and remain silent. All I want to do is talk and all he wants is silence. But that’s a whole other post.