Friday, 30 November 2012

CD39 / 18DPO - Left side pain

CD39 / 18DPO
3rd hCG due tomorrow

Bub is still hanging on. No bleeding. Lots of nausea. Heavy backaches. Bloating. Bit of gas.

But the pain, the pain is starting to get to me.

I've had a dull ache in the left side of my abdomen for 2 weeks. The pain really kicked in around 12DPO which prompted me to POAS in the first place. The pain was similar to when I had the 1st ectopic.

But the difference in this pregnancy is .......... why would I have this pain for 2 weeks? Ectopic pain doesn't normally kick in until around 6w mark. Plus, my pain only intensify's after I eat a big meal. Otherwise it's just a dull ache in my rib.

{Reading the above line back to myself and I'm clutching at straws, aren't I?}

Over and out. I really need to do some work today! 

Thursday, 29 November 2012

CD38 / 17DPO - Numb

CD38 / 17DPO
hCG is 90

Dr just called and told me the hCG level has increased to 90 ..... still very low and just short of doubling.  Was it silly of me to wish, hope and pray for a figure in the 1000's? Of course it was!!

The EPAS (Early Pregnancy Assessment Service) clinic manager met with me at the hospital this morning and we talked about my five year history TTC. It was nice to have someone geniuely listen and take notes. After I finished answering her questions, she was honest and said the chances of a viable pregnancy were slim to none.

And whilst I know this to be a fact, deep down it still cuts like a knife. Razor sharp. Slicing my heart in half.

Just for once, I want someone in my corner cheering a positive outcome. Instead I've had to endure 5 years worth of negative outcomes from every health professional I've encountered.

I'm so over feeling this pain. I'm becoming immune to it in a way. How do I keep doing this? Why do I keep doing this? Maybe children are not part of God's plan for hubby and I.

I'm broken from 2 losses this year. I'm broken from the countless surgeries my poor body has had to suffer over 4 years. I'm a shell of a women and completely numb.

The tears will arrive soon. I'm waiting for them and I hope I'm ready. I just don't want them to arrive at work today.

The plan from here ...... The EPAS clinic want to see me again on Saturday to repeat the beta hCG test. If I don't miscarry before then, I'm scheduled for bloods and another scan on Monday, which is my 6w mark.

My grandmothers funeral is on Tuesday, so I just pray I don't need surgery anytime soon.

If anyone is reading this, could I ask you to say a prayer to your God? I'll be eternally grateful.

B xx

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

CD37 / 16DPO - The bittersweet BFP

Guess what?


I woke up yesterday and my temp was still high so I thought 'what the hell' and took a pregnancy test. I left it on the bathroom counter and jumped in the shower. Low and behold, I stepped out of the shower to find 2 beautiful pink lines on the pregnancy test.

I may have squealed with sweet delight. Sheer happiness washed over me and I screamed, gasped and laughed so hard. Maybe it was finally happening! Our dog Sonny was the first to hear the news - he's gonna be a big brother.

My GP shattered my happy news with seconds of me sitting down in his office. I was told to go straight to hospital.

But 'Why' I asked?

"Because you have a history of ectopic pregnancies and this pregnancy has a 50% chance of being ectopic", he said.

So off to hospital I went. Bloods were drawn and my hCG came back at only 49 (15DPO). Quite low. Hmmm. I had a good cry and pulled it together. (I was by myself because DH had an important job on and I didn't want to worry him). The Dr then sent me for a scan and the sonographer found a small mass on my left ovary. I was told it could be an ectopic but it was too early to tell OR it could be a corpus luteum.

The hospital wants me back tomorrow for a repeat blood test and to meet the EPAS clinic nurse so we can put a plan in place.

In other sad news .... must be a week for it ...... my poor grandmother passed away this morning. RIP Grandma. I'm feeling overly emotional and just want some good news now ..... enough with the bad news.

Monday, 26 November 2012

CD35 and counting

CD35 / 14DPO

Figured the wicked witch would be here by now. Was checking every 10 minutes over the weekend for her but she didn't show.

I haven't taken my temp for years now, but decided to take it on Saturday morning to check when AF would arrive.
  • Saturday's temp was 36.80 .... quite low for me from memory so decided not to POAS. 
  • Sunday's temp was 36.85 ..... ummed and arred about POAS and decided what the hell! BFN with IC :(
  • Today's temp is 36.92 ...... was too scared to test and totally chickened out. 
I woke up feeling very hot, didn't sleep well last night, my lower back is so sore, my hips are achy and I'm quite bloated. My mood is OK actually, I normally get quite teary and irritable two days before AF arrives. Whilst I'm not surprised about yesterday's BFN, it still hurts like hell. I just want it to be my turn with no complications .... easy, breazy, healthy pregnancy please.

Friday, 23 November 2012

Warning - bad mood ahead

Today is CD32. I'm 90% sure I'm out this month ... which shouldn't surprise me really. I mean, I've lost a tube, I'm using donor sperm, no CQ10 consumed this cycle and life has been crazy lately.

Feeling crap today. I've woken up with a headache, I'm crampy, my (.)(.) hurt and I'm very bloated - all perfect signs that AF is on her way.

I despise you AF!

I kindly ask you to F-off for a while.

Give me and hubby a break and ride your broomstick else, you wicked witch.

Is anyone else needing a break from AF and her wicked ways??? 

Thursday, 22 November 2012

12DPO, 11DPO or 10DPO? Who knows

As you know, I had 3 or 4 days of positive OPK's this month so I have no idea when I actually ovulated. My O date could have been Saturday 10NOV, Sunday 11NOV or Monday 12NOV.

So is today 12DPO, 11DPO or 10DPO??

Normally I wouldn't POAS anytime soon - unless I lose all self control. AF always arrives on time, so I've always waited for my AF date to come and go before testing.

Do I POAS Saturday, Sunday or Monday?

I've got a busy weekend too! A friends birthday dinner on Saturday night and another friends birthday lunch on Sunday. Everyone knows I like a glass of bubbles, so what excuse am I gonna dish out for not drinking? Or do I test on Saturday so I know one way or the other?



Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Tired much?

I cannot tell you how tired I am. Brick wall anyone? The first 3 days was fun, but the last 2 days have been intense.

As you know I spent the weekend in Melbourne with my bestie - had a blast with her. Wining, dining, shopping, laughter, tears and Edward Cullen. It doesn't get much better than that.

I flew home on Sunday night so I could attend the Coldplay concert - check out my recent blog post about the concert. It was beyond amazing!. My mum called me when I arrived in Sydney and told me the devastating news that my Grandmother is very ill and on her deathbed.  I was so sad but still decided to go to the concert and try and have a good time. Hubby and I had a great time and got home around midnight.

Monday morning and I was up bright and early for a big day at work. After an exhausting day, I crawled into bed and just as I was about to enter into an amazing dream featuring Ryan Gosling, I got a call from work. Argh! Two hours later I was back in bed. (Ryan didn't visit!). Only five hours of shut eye that night!!

Tuesday morning and I was up early again - this time to catch a flight to Brisbane to see my Grandmother and say my final goodbyes. The doctors can no longer feed her, so they are making her comfortable with morphine. Family are flying in from all over to visit Grandma before she passes away. We are such a large family but Grandma is so loved and will be missed dearly.

I was a mess yesterday. I caught the late flight back to Sydney, crawled into bed and was just about to enter my slumber when a motorist hits a pedestrian right outside of our house. Sirens, sirens and more sirens. A 14 year old has been hit and is trapped under the car. I raced outside and was unable to assist, the police were diverting traffic and the boy was rushed to hospital - I pray he's ok. Crawled back into bed around 1am.

I wonder what will happen tonight. I want coffee so badly but am fighting the urge.

I am so tired.

Friday, 16 November 2012

It's time to escape!

I don’t like to use the word HATE, but today I’m using it.

I   HATE   HATE   HATE the 2WW.

It messes with your mind. It messes with your emotions. And it absolutely messes with your credit card.

Every spasm and cramp is a tell-tale pregnancy sign.
  • The cramps are surely a sign of your bub getting snug in your uterus. It can’t be PMS!
  • The nausea is welcomed with open arms because surely it’s a sign of pregnancy and NOT PMS.
  • The headache is surely a sign of pregnancy hormones and NOT a PMS migraine.
  • And I can’t forget about implantation spotting, the much sort after bleed that proves bub has taken to its new home – surely this cannot mean a menstrual cycle is around the corner.

The 2WW is an eternity. I swear time stands still. The working days become longer, my addiction to Dr Google gets worse and my ability to sleep evades me. A slight pain here, a little spasm there... and I want to know what it means. Each cycle I promise myself that I won’t read into the symptoms and just wait out the 14 days. Honestly, I have no will power. Clearly I have a weakness and I’m not ashamed to admit it. It’s an effort to fight the urges most days to check what each symptom means.

But for the next 3 days I’ll be too distracted. It’s time to make my escape! I’m jumping on a jet plane today and heading to Melbourne to get me some quality BFF time. JJ will distract me with wine, shopping and the latest Twilight movie no doubt.

Are you, or is someone you know, struggling to get pregnant? 

Thursday, 15 November 2012

Today is my due date

I can't believe today has come around so quickly. Today would have been my due date for the baby I lost in March. Time flies when you're grieving, hey :(

Whilst the ache in my arms to hold our baby grows stronger everyday, the journey to this point show me how far I've come. I've healed. I'm not completely healed but the gaping wound that exposed my heart is mending and rejuvenating.

I text hubby to remind him and also text my bestie and our sperm donor. Our sperm donor was the first to respond and said "Nine months from now and you'll have one". It was just what I needed to hear. I really hope our attempts this cycle are a winner.

Tonight I'll light a candle and remember our little peanut.

Our bond was instant and my love infinite. I'm so sorry we didn't get to meet you xx

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Legs in the air

I'm back baby!!!  The mind, body and spirit is geared and ready to TTC again.

Slight change of plans. We decided on another home insemination attempt instead of an ICSI cycle. Hubby has started his own company so money is a bit tight at the moment. FS told me to take Temazepam as a precaution (to stop my uterus contracting) ... we don't want another ectopic!

I actually thought I'd missed my ovulation this month but I'm now thinking it's a bad batch of F2F (Fertility2Family) OPKs because I didn't get a single positive. So on CD19, I visited the local Chemist and bought a 7 day OvuPlan kit and got a positive straight away!

Our sperm donor has been visiting every 2nd day to provide us with a quality batch of Olympic swimmers.  Fingers crossed.

Anyone else ever had 4 days of positive OPK's?  Normally I only get 1-2 days of positives before the line goes faint. But so far each test is stronger than the control line.

I've been waving my legs in the air like I just don't care (for you groovers out there) for the past few days. My hips are very achy, experiencing insomnia, had a week of pimples leading up to my first positive OPK, a bit bloated and lower back is sore.

The only ovulation sign missing is no EWCM. A bit watery on day 1 but nothing since.

Dreading the 2ww because I'm as nervous as hell. I can handle a BFN but I can't handle another a 3rd ectopic.

PS - Come visit me over at
My blog about falling in love with your life