Sunday, 23 December 2012

Scared to leave

This sense of fear is digging itself deeper and deeper into my bones. It's paralysing and suffocating. It consumes my thoughts and restricts my movements. 

I'm trying SO hard to move forward, move on from this mess.

But the fear is breathtaking and not in a pretty way.

I've tried to leave the house five times today but I keep thinking of excuses to stay indoors. The washing is complete. The bathroom is clean. The sheets are fresh and the laundry is put away. I seriously contemplated organising my bookcase but ate a caramel Tim Tim instead.

It's two sleeps til Santa arrives and I've got so much to buy and so much to organise. This is normally my favourite time of the year - festive celebrations, party invitations, sharing great food and fine wine with family and friends and handing out thoughtful gifts to make my loved ones smile like crazy. I crave normality so badly but 'normal' disappeared 16 days ago. 

I know I'm faking it at the moment. I'm seriously pretending to be OK. My loved ones don't need to know my every thought. If I could leave the house, my first stop would be my GP for help. The trauma of this experience, this pregnancy, this loss, is enough to set me on a path of destruction. Depression has visited me before and I don't particularly want it back again. I need to know the steps to help me avoid this path ...... and try and choose a path that will be rebuild what is broken here. 

But I get the sense no one can help me. No one wants to help me.

Maybe faking it is OK for the moment because our life is messy. Hubby is investing every waking minute into his new business. I'm at home alone all day. Sleep is evading us. We toss and turn and become bitter when dawn breaks. The healthy diet is replaced with too much chocolate, ice cream and cake. I cry every time I hope in the shower because the scars are a permanent reminder of what could have been. 

But I can't fake it forever. Eventually I need to start digging my way out of this pit hole called 'rock bottom'.

Thursday, 20 December 2012


It's already a week since we lost bub.

Seven days & nights of endless tears, constant heartache and an empty womb. It's not just my womb that feels empty, my whole spirit is empty.


adjective, emp·ti·er, emp·ti·est, verb, emp·tied, emp·ty·ing, noun, plural emp·ties.
containing nothinghaving none of the usual or appropriate contents: an empty bottle.
vacant; unoccupied: an empty house.
without cargo or load: an empty wagon.
destitute of people or human activity: We walked along the empty streets of the city at night.
destitute of some quality or qualities; devoid (usually followed by of  ): Theirs is a life now empty of happiness.

The baby clothes are empty.
The baby bottles are empty.
Our house is empty.
Our car is empty.
Our interaction is empty.
And our life certainly feels empty. There is no happiness here anymore.

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

It's finally over

They say you need to hit rock bottom before it gets better.

Here is a sample of my rock bottom.

Last Thursday I woke up around 5am with abdominal pain and lower back pain. I got up out of bed and went to the bathroom and started to feel dizzy and nauseous. I screamed out to DH and he helped me onto the lounge. I could barely talk. My focus was on breathing through the pain. I had so much pressure in my lower abdomen so hubby helped me back to the bathroom but I collapsed on the bathroom floor. I finally found the strength to tell hubby to call me an ambulance.

Within 5 minutes the ambulance had arrived and I was given some morphine to help the pain. Then it was off to hospital.

We arrived around 6am and I was seen to straight away. I explained I was due to have surgery at 5pm today for a cornual ectopic pregnancy. The Dr in emergency explained I'd be having surgery a lot earlier than that as I was bleeding internally - my worse fear confirmed - the pregnancy had ruptured.

It took 4 Dr's and 2 nurses 90 minutes to find a vein in my hand/arm to insert a cannula. I was dehydrated and my veins kept collapsing. The pain was starting to get excruciating not to mention the pain from the cannula attempts. So I kept sniffing the morphine until finally a vein behaved and a cannula inserted into my hand.

Lots of phone calls were made and the surgery was bought forward as quickly as possible. Hubby was beside himself with worry so I asked him to call mum and let her know I was in emergency again.

I was quickly transported to the private hospital, where the surgery was taking place and by that stage my pain was off the charts. I was struggling to breathe normally and taking short swallow breaths. Next, they moved me onto another bed and that was it. I SCREAMED like I've never screamed before.





Hubby and my mum were crying and screaming at the nurses and surgeon to help me. I very clearly remember at this stage sinking to another level of survival. I calmed my breathing, stopped moving, focused on my prayers and willed myself to survive this.

I remember saying goodbye to my husband - telling him he was the man of my dreams and I've never loved someone as much as I loved him.

I remember saying goodbye to my mum - telling her how much I loved her and how sorry I was that she had to go through this.

My last vision was of my mum collapsing against a wall and hubby holding her - both crying.

Then the lights went out ......... and I woke up.

The nurse looked at me and told me I'd survived the surgery. I immediately said a prayer of thanks. Never in my life was I so thankful and grateful to be breathing, pain free, but breathing.

I asked her if I was still pregnant and her answer was no.
I asked her if I still had my uterus and her answer was yes.
I asked her if I needed a blood transfusion and she said nearly but no.
My final question was, "does my husband and mother know I'm ok" and she said yes.

Reuniting with my husband and mother was the best moment of my life. The weight was finally off my shoulders.

Whilst I still grieve and mourn the loss of my 3rd baby, I can't help but feel so thankful to be alive.

I'm now resting at home and the feelings of guilt and selfishness and starting to creep in. My desire and need to have child have not only put my life at risk, but my family and friends have had to endure the prospect of losing a wife, daughter, sister, friend and work colleague.

I knew the chances of an ectopic were higher this time round and I still wanted to attempt it. Does that make my selfish? I never could have foreseen this outcome and in all honesty, I don't think I can ever attempt it again. I can't put my hubby through this again and again and again.

So my initial thoughts are ....... It's finally over. I believe we may need to close the door on this TTC chapter. Typing that sentence brings tears to my eyes because it means our dreams are shattered. But how does one move on from this?

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

CD50 / 29DPO - i'm still pregnant

Yes, you read the title correctly - I am still pregnant.

The surgery on Friday was unsuccessful at locating the ectopic and my Dr was forced to close up. He did find a bulging mass on the right side of my uterus wall but he was not 100% convinced it was the pregnancy.

So imagine my shock and horror when I was wheeled back to the recovery bay area only to discover the surgery had failed.


The Dr came by on Saturday morning and asked me to go home and rest and come back to the hospital on Tuesday for repeats tests.

So today I brought moral support with me - hubby and my mum. Off to the hospital we trot and I'm put through my paces again - more bloods, more scans, more questions.


Located in an awful spot of my uterus wall. Bub is measuring around 5mm and has a heart beat of 105. My heart shattered into a million pieces when the sonographer said it's still non-viable.

I saw my baby's heart beating. I saw the beautiful round spot it occupies in my uterus. I see where it calls home.

And still it's non-viable and I need to end it's life because of a location. A location. WTF?

Dr calls it a cornual ectopic pregnancy and it's the worse kind you can get. Of course it's the worse kind - could only happen to me. The surgery to remove this type of pregnancy is major and life threatening. Four in 11 women die from this type of surgery. The biggest risk is bleeding out and needing a hysterectomy.

Am I scared? I'm petrified.

Am I worried? My anxiety is through the roof.

The surgery is booked for Thursday afternoon and all I can do is pray like crazy everything will be ok.

I'm already so connected to this baby and it's going to tear me apart that surgery on Thursday will end it's life. My focus now is surviving the surgery as best I can.

Friday, 7 December 2012

CCD45 / 25DPO - 3rd time unlucky

hCG is over 3000 however no pregnancy can be found in my uterus.

I'm devastated. I've never felt so alone in all my life.

Why is this happening to us again?

I simply can't believe this is happening again. Another ectopic - my third this year. What the FUCK have I done to deserve this?

My surgery is booked for 4pm today.

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

CD44 / 23DPO - Happy dance

CD44 / 23DPO
15DPO = 49
17DPO = 90
19DPO = 190
21DPO = 469
23DPO = 1500!!!!!!

I'm doing my 30 second happy dance - wanna join me?

I'm now in the 4 digits. How exciting is that! My hCG levels have more than tripled in 48 hours and are currently sitting at 1500. My Dr is very happy and impressed with today's results and she immediately asked me how I was feeling. My answer? I want to vomit - very nauseous.

So....... it's all sounding promising. I'm a little bit more optimistic now .... but still trying to be reserved with my excitement. Until I see a heartbeat I can only be apprehensive it's another ectopic.

PS - Apologises for the quick post, got hundreds of emails to action after taking yesterday off work for my grandmothers funeral.

Monday, 3 December 2012

CD42 / 21DPO - levels are up

CD42 / 21DPO
15DPO = 49
17DPO = 90
19DPO  = 190
Today's level at 21DPO = 469!!!!!!!!

The hospital needed to see me again today. I was soooooooo nervous about today's results. Heart pounding. Feeling nauseous. Fidigity. 

Saturday's (19DPO) hCG levels rose to 190. More than doubled which is good. The clinic nurse made me an emergency appt to have a scan as well - which was super nice of her.

The scan didn't reveal anything. The sonographer told me there was no sac to be seen in the uterus yet, but she didn't expect to see anything with levels of 190. (hCG levels normally have to be in the 2000's to see anything).

The corpus luteum is still on my left ovary and she couldn't see an ectopic on the left or right side. The sonographer did say my levels were doubling and that's what counts.

A few hours later, Lisa (from EPAS clinic) called me with today's results = 469!! She said this was great and again, it's more than doubled.

I'm flying to Brisbane tomorrow to attend my grandmother's funeral. Lisa is a bit concerned about me travelling and has printed off my records in case I miscarry or experience any severe pain whilst in Brisbane. The records will assist the Brisbane Hospital should anything happen. But I know I'll be fine!

The plan from here? Repeat hCG on Wednesday and I'm booked for bloods and another scan on Friday.

Keep those fingers crossed for me ladies!!!!!! 

Saturday, 1 December 2012

CD40 / 19DPO - Hot in the city

Updated to include today's beta hCG results! 

CD40 / 19DPO
15DPO = 49
17DPO = 90
Today's level at 19DPO  = 190!!!

Man, is it hot in Sydney today. It's 4.42pm and it's still 34 degrees. Lucky for me (and Sonny) our house stays quite cool so the heat has been bearable.

I had my third beta hCG blood test this morning ..... but I won't know the results until Monday morning. My anxiety kicked in when I realised that. My first thought was to go to the GP and order an urgent blood test so i'd know the results today. Sounds crazy, but the thought did cross my mind.

Today is all about resting. Minimal housework (sorry hubby!) and just chilaxing with my puppy dog. The pain on my left side is still there. I did notice the pain wasn't as bad last night and it's certainly ok today (probably because I haven't moved from the couch much).

I was tempted to tell my mum about the pregnancy during our phone call today but decided against it. Mum is still mourning the loss of her own mother who died on Wednesday and I don't want to add to her stress.

My mum has always been my cheering squad with every attempt we've made to create our own tribe of little people. But I don't want to worry her until I know for sure whether this bub is sticking around or growing wings.

5w4d today - Bub, you just need to hang in there for another 35 weeks please. Love, your Mama xx