A year ago today

This week has been a BIG struggle. I knew the one year anniversary of losing bubba #3 (read here) was approaching and I was sooooooooooooooooo determined to get through this week with a reflective approach. I didn't want to be sad about it.

But it's here. It's today. And all I want to do is hide from the world.

My spirits are so deflated today. I touched the scars on my stomach this morning and cried. I cried that our bubba was in the wrong spot. I cried for the trauma I suffered. I cried that half my uterus is missing. I cried for my husband and Mum who had to watch and endure the whole thing. I cried for the ache in my heart and arms. I cried for the big black void in our lives.

But to try and end the day on a positive note, I'm forcing myself to write down the positives and fun times experienced this year.
* A great rental house that we can call home.
* The opportunity to travel overseas twice this year.
* Welcoming a new addition to our furry family - Benji boy.
* Being spoilt with a weekend away with friends to Bora Bora House.
* Spending an entire 48 hours with my family - I haven't done that since I moved out of home 12 years ago.
* Parties, parties, parties. Lucky our neighbour is deaf and can't hear us!
* Watching hubby and my nephew play rugby and cricket in our yard.
* Getting a new tattoo to remember our three bubba angels.
* Watching my brother fall in love with his soulmate.



Hubby and I have been forced to say 'no' to a lot of things the past 5 years. But my Dr's orders were to take a year off TTC. No pregnancies allowed. My uterus needed to heal properly.

So it became the year of fun instead. We said 'YES' to just about everything! Seriously it was very fun year.

So today might mark a sad day for me, but I've turned a corner. I know I have. Next year will be bigger and better. Goals are set. Achievements will be made. I'm allowed to try and fall pregnant again now.

I just need to decide when I want to start TTCing again.

Does time heal?

Are you following me on the new blog yet? www.theloverlist.com

Time.

It heals. Some days it goes slowly. Other days it speeds by. It's been 10 months now since my 3rd ectopic loss. Ten months of heartache and soul searching. But it's also had so many fun moments.

For the first time in 5 years, I've been forced to relax and NOT try and conceive. Hubby and I have had so many laugh out loud moments, we've indulged, we've travelled more and we expanded our family and adopted another rescue do, Benji.

But time is nearly up. My 12 month ban to not fall pregnant is coming to an end and it's time to start thinking about the next step. I forced myself to make an appt with our IVF DR and get pick her brain about what happens from here. What are the risks? Will the level of care be intensified? Is there a different procedure we could attempt?

I'm SO NOT READY to make any decisions yet. I'm gathering information. I want to know if falling pregnant again is a silly idea? I know the percentage of a 4th ectopic is sky high (around 75% chance of it happening again). Or would I be silly to give up on this dream of having kids because I'm scared? There is a 25% chance that carrying a baby to 35 weeks could happen!

Our DR has recommended I see a life coach first and foremost. There is no point jumping into an IVF cycle if my head and heart are not aligned. It's been four weeks and I still haven't called the recommended life coach. What does that say about how I'm feeling?

Scared mostly. 

I have all the IVF forms, prescriptions and blood test paperwork ready to go. The IVF care will be the same. A frozen cycle has been recommended. Valium will become my best friend pre and post transfer. I know the ectopic symptoms and what to look for. And if I ever acheive another pregnancy, I'll never carry to full term. My uterus has halved in size and my baby will be delivered earlier.

I just need to decide whether I want to give it one more shot ..... or let go of the dream. Is all this rotten bad luck? Or was this God's plan?

What would you do? Another cycle? Or accept it ain't meant to be?

A tattoo for my 3 angels

What a messy messy week. I've been snappy, emotional, bitchy and overly sensitive. My due date for pregnancy #3 was looming and I was so concerned about my mental health and well-being that I contemplated taking the day off work to sit with my misery.

5th August 2013. To be utterly honest, I thought I'd stay in bed. Cry. Re-read my blog. Cry. Call my mum. Cry. Eat ice cream. Cry some more. 

But we all have a choice in this life, don't we. When we wake up each day we have a choice to be happy and that's how I wanted to feel waking up on my due date.


So I made a plan late last week. The plan was to keep active, keep busy and stay positive. It all started when my boss notified everyone in the office that we could all take Monday off work {bank holiday}. Yippee! My weekend was filled with family dinners, walking the dogs, getting a haircut, a friends engagement party, chores around the house, shopping etc.

Hubby woke me up yesterday - my due date- and wished me a lovely day off work. I cuddled my puppy dogs in bed for a few minutes and then we hit the pavement for a big 3km walk.The sun was shining and I was feeling blessed to be alive.

Hubby then surprised me by coming home early from work. We headed to Bondi for lunch - The Bucket List - and had a lovely lunch in the sunshine. A few drinks were consumed and we decided to get the tattoo we had designed to mark the day - my due date - in a special way. Bondi Ink had an opening and 2 hours later we have matching tattoos to remember our three angels. It's meaning: Our 3 angels heartbeats are with us for life and infinity. The feather at the end presents my nesting period and how delicate life is.

I'm really proud of myself for getting through the day in a positive way. Crying all day wouldn't have achieved anything. My mood would have been deflated for days. I still hope, wish and yearn for a baby of my own however it was important to have a lasting memory of my angels - besides my abdominal scars.

Wordless Wednesday

4 months on

First of all, let me start by saying I'm doing ok. Each day certainly gets easier, but the hurt and pain I'll never forget. The minute I allow myself to think about what happened in December, I disintegrate. But those moments are few and far between now.

Having a therapist helps and so does a quick week away in Thailand. Hubby and I had a chance to talk. Really talk. About adoption, surrogacy, reviewing the option of IVF as a high risk patient or cease the parenthood quest. No decisions made yet!

Yesterday was a hard day. I would have been 35 weeks pregnant and probably starting my maternity leave.

Deep breath.

Did anyone else read Mary Coustas' story in the Sydney Morning Herald on the weekend? I can't stop thinking about it. Mary is such an Australian public face and yet her hurt, pain and loss is more than I can ever imagine. You can read her story about custody, infertility and losing loved ones here. It's a long article but absolutely beautifully told!

I'm spending a lot of time over at my other blog these days - The Lover List. I find talking about lovely things is helping to heal the mind and spirit. Please pop over and say hi sometime.

Life, Love and Light

xx

Today is my due date

Today is my due date for pregnancy number #2 (our IVF cycle).

Today is meant to be a joyous celebration of new life, a new family member and a VIP pass into parenthood.

Today is meant to be my due date.

I feel like I'm grieving all over again. It's like my body knows that it is supposed to be going through something big right now and my emotions are all over the place and unpredictable. A combination of emptiness, sadness, loss and major disappointment are boiling inside of me.

I want nothing more than to be pregnant right now. I want nothing more than to be a mum.

But I'm not pregnant and it appears I won't be a mum.

Hubby is doing his best to be supportive. I've been acting out of sorts and strange all week after my mini breakdown last Tuesday. GP thinks I'm suffering from anxiety and depression. Hubby just wants to fix me and all I want is for Hubby to listen and hold me. I know he's doing his best but I find myself lashing out at him for nothing.

It's been a bad week, a very bad week.

Love & Light

Hubby and I had to move house last month so the past few weeks have been busy packing boxes, moving boxes, settling our Sonny into his new home, changing address details, disposing of boxes, buying new things for the house etc etc. Needless to say I've been pre-occupied to think about deeper issues.

And I actually think this has been the biggest blessing in disguise. Having to move house has keep me from going insane, getting depressed and crying constantly.

At first I hated our landlord for forcing us to move out. I begged and pleaded with him to let us stay another 6 months. I explained I'd just lost a baby and my recent surgery would prevent me from heavy lifting. But the bastard forced us out - he wanted to sell.

And I'm OK with that now. I could feel my excitement beginning to build when I began searching for new rental properties - it's a new year and a new fresh start was needed.

Fast forward 4 weeks and I can feel the light now. At first I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but now I can feel it on my skin, feel it in my bones and my smile has returned. Laughter doesn't feel so strange anymore and the tears are not as frequent.

I'm yet to see our counsellor - life got in the way - but dealing with my grief early on has helped. I know that once I sort myself out, I can focus on hubby more. I needed to be selfish and heal me first before talking/loving with him. It's nearly time.

Absence

In my baby's absence,
Life hands upon me, and becomes a burden,
I am ten times undone, while hope, and fear,
And grief, and rage and love rise up at once,
And with a variety of pain to distract me.