Tuesday, 26 February 2013

Today is my due date

Today is my due date for pregnancy number #2 (our IVF cycle).

Today is meant to be a joyous celebration of new life, a new family member and a VIP pass into parenthood.

Today is meant to be my due date.

I feel like I'm grieving all over again. It's like my body knows that it is supposed to be going through something big right now and my emotions are all over the place and unpredictable. A combination of emptiness, sadness, loss and major disappointment are boiling inside of me.

I want nothing more than to be pregnant right now. I want nothing more than to be a mum.

But I'm not pregnant and it appears I won't be a mum.

Hubby is doing his best to be supportive. I've been acting out of sorts and strange all week after my mini breakdown last Tuesday. GP thinks I'm suffering from anxiety and depression. Hubby just wants to fix me and all I want is for Hubby to listen and hold me. I know he's doing his best but I find myself lashing out at him for nothing.

It's been a bad week, a very bad week.

Friday, 15 February 2013

Love & Light

Hubby and I had to move house last month so the past few weeks have been busy packing boxes, moving boxes, settling our Sonny into his new home, changing address details, disposing of boxes, buying new things for the house etc etc. Needless to say I've been pre-occupied to think about deeper issues.

And I actually think this has been the biggest blessing in disguise. Having to move house has keep me from going insane, getting depressed and crying constantly.

At first I hated our landlord for forcing us to move out. I begged and pleaded with him to let us stay another 6 months. I explained I'd just lost a baby and my recent surgery would prevent me from heavy lifting. But the bastard forced us out - he wanted to sell.

And I'm OK with that now. I could feel my excitement beginning to build when I began searching for new rental properties - it's a new year and a new fresh start was needed.

Fast forward 4 weeks and I can feel the light now. At first I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but now I can feel it on my skin, feel it in my bones and my smile has returned. Laughter doesn't feel so strange anymore and the tears are not as frequent.

I'm yet to see our counsellor - life got in the way - but dealing with my grief early on has helped. I know that once I sort myself out, I can focus on hubby more. I needed to be selfish and heal me first before talking/loving with him. It's nearly time.