This week has been a BIG struggle. I knew the one year anniversary of losing bubba #3 (read here) was approaching and I was sooooooooooooooooo determined to get through this week with a reflective approach. I didn't want to be sad about it.
But it's here. It's today. And all I want to do is hide from the world.
My spirits are so deflated today. I touched the scars on my stomach this morning and cried. I cried that our bubba was in the wrong spot. I cried for the trauma I suffered. I cried that half my uterus is missing. I cried for my husband and Mum who had to watch and endure the whole thing. I cried for the ache in my heart and arms. I cried for the big black void in our lives.
But to try and end the day on a positive note, I'm forcing myself to write down the positives and fun times experienced this year.
* A great rental house that we can call home.
* The opportunity to travel overseas twice this year.
* Welcoming a new addition to our furry family - Benji boy.
* Being spoilt with a weekend away with friends to Bora Bora House.
* Spending an entire 48 hours with my family - I haven't done that since I moved out of home 12 years ago.
* Parties, parties, parties. Lucky our neighbour is deaf and can't hear us!
* Watching hubby and my nephew play rugby and cricket in our yard.
* Getting a new tattoo to remember our three bubba angels.
* Watching my brother fall in love with his soulmate.
Hubby and I have been forced to say 'no' to a lot of things the past 5 years. But my Dr's orders were to take a year off TTC. No pregnancies allowed. My uterus needed to heal properly.
So it became the year of fun instead. We said 'YES' to just about everything! Seriously it was very fun year.
So today might mark a sad day for me, but I've turned a corner. I know I have. Next year will be bigger and better. Goals are set. Achievements will be made. I'm allowed to try and fall pregnant again now.
I just need to decide when I want to start TTCing again.